To the Living Bulldozer

          “You win some you lose some.” Is one of the most FRUSTURATING clichés out there because there are so many hidden aspects that go unnoticed or even slightly brought up. What whoever it is who mentioned to you that “you win some you lose some” failed to state, is that while you win some, losing them is the hardest heart break you’ll ever have to encounter, and gaining something requires work, skill, and sometimes even failure. While those are things that fail to go unnoticed, in tonight’s case; the main “forgotten” point of winning something is friendship.

Let us travel back to kindergarten when we first meet that kid who shares a bite of their fruit snacks with us, or offers their favorite toy to play together. Second grade is when that same kid and maybe a few more starts to play tag, and jump rope with us, and shows us what a new form of fun is. Third and fourth grade is when things really start to heat up, and we notice our first real fight with one of our friends, and we find new ones, or we get over our differences and begin again.

It isn’t until fifth and sixth grade that I feel is when we start to experience the Human Wrecking Ball. When someone we have never got along with calls us ugly or stupid and we begin to not feel fun anymore, rather than insecure and angry. This human wrecking ball could very well have been at one point, our very best friend and is now friends with some other kids, causing destruction to our tiny, innocent brains. These living bulldozers are called bulldozers and wrecking balls for the simple fact that they come into our lives at one point or another, and cause a mass destruction into what was. Our walls of happiness and innocence come crumbling down in one hit, and after being built carefully back up topple over in another instant.

We have all experienced the human bulldozer and walking wrecking ball. Whether it have been a close childhood friend turned seemingly heartless, or a trusted adult ruining our ripe innocence, we know exactly who and what these people are, and some of us never quite recover from the aftermath. However, tonight is for me to tell my two very specific human bulldozer and walking wrecking ball examples Thank You.

Thank you for unknowingly setting an example of what I never want to be while I walk the earth. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be you, so I can avoid being someone like you at all costs. Thank you for causing me to grow up and mature in ways I never would’ve been able to do without your round, concrete words that form into both the wrecking ball and bulldozer. Thank you, for reminding me that life sometimes comes falling down and how to cope with the fact that it isn’t always easy to build yourself up again.

In the story Humpty Dumpty, it talks about how all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men tried to put Humpty together again, but failed and Humpty just gave up. However, somebody somewhere should’ve taught Humpty that sometimes it’s crucial for him to learn how to pick himself back up and brush off the dust.

Thank you Walking Wrecking Ball, for beautifully and chaotically tearing me apart so that I myself can learn to pick myself up again.

The Underdog

                                                                         

        When I was six, and I was asked what it meant to be popular, I would say to be surrounded by friends who adore you, and go to all these parties, and be cool. Now that I’m eighteen, and I hear the word popular, I think of nothing but a broken piece of imagination. To this day, I DESPISE the word “Popular” and I could rant and rave about how the word itself doesn’t exist, but that’s for another day. Today, is the day of the Underdog. The hidden hero, who goes unnoticed by any “normal” person but myself.

            The Underdog is someone we’ve all come to know in our lives, whether it be someone we knew in sixth grade, or someone we’ve worked with for six years, there is always the Underdog. Someone who is a stand-out, or chooses to be different. The boy with his hair dyed a crazy color, or the girl who wears a black cape. These are just two of millions of people who can be considered the “Underdog.” I consider them Underdogs because to me, they come out on top. Even when it seems like they are nothing, they say nothing, they feel nothing, and they are the ones who rise up to become successful in their own ways. There are many successful celebrities to look up to when the term “Underdog” comes up, however you’re not a celebrity, and quite frankly, neither am I. We are people who seem to be in the movie Dazed and Confused, because that’s all we are.

            My message to you, the Underdog, is that by choosing to dye your hair rainbow colors, and sporting that black cape, or by choosing to stay late at work rather than go to that office party you weren’t invited to in the first place, you’re taking a stand. You’re standing up and standing out as your own. You, without even realizing it, are becoming your own. You’re working hard to be different, and to be seen in a way that those who laugh and mock you, have never experienced before which makes them uncomfortable. Do not ever feel ashamed of standing out. Do not ever feel ashamed for choosing your own colors in a black and white infested T.V. sitcom, where nothing is real except for you.

            My message to you, the Underdog, is do not fear the fear you feel when you stand up for yourself, by merely standing alone. By becoming your own friend, and worst enemy. By “wasting” your time staying up all night playing video games rather than staying up all night partying with “friends.” Do not ever feel the need to blend in, because that is the biggest waste of time any person could ever possibly make. Those who have seemed to “Blend in” are blending into nothing but a blank wall. A castle of fake emotions, and elements of what people consider “happiness” and “friendship.” Those who choose to blend in with those around them, and fit in, are simply trying to fit into a dollhouse. Do not hide behind plastic emotions, rather than embracing your confusion, your anger, and your envy. You, the Underdog, are the Underdog because you were made to come out on top. No human being on this planet has ever risen to the top by blending in to what they’ve been told was right.

           

 

       My reminder to you, the Underdog, is that it’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to be angry at yourself and those around you, it’s okay to feel alone. But most importantly, you need to know that although now seems hopeless, you are not lost. You are not a piece of trash to be thrown out to make others’ life better because you are you, and you’re most important role, is to be the best damn you that anybody else has ever seen. Keep trying and failing. Keep standing out and take the empty criticism. Embrace the flaw of the word flaw itself, and learn what it feels like to be the you that you want to be. Learn what if feels like to actually feel. To breathe the air that you have the freedom to breathe. To live life as the best damn you that the world has ever seen.

Cheers to the Future

     Growing up is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I’ve been told to grow up, and live young since I can remember. To be afraid of what’s to come, and live in the moment. Be happy with yourself, but not too happy- it makes those struggling uneasy. Feel confident in the skin you’re in, but hide behind eating disorders and scars so that others don’t feel so alone. All of these are the exact definition of contradictory, and slowly on my seemingly endless path to adulthood, I’m learning this exact thing; which is life itself is contradictory and we can either learn to accept it one of two ways. 1. We wallow in the rain of anger, despair, and unforgiving unfairness of life or 2. Put on some boots, and learn to dance in the puddles.

            That being said, I have a toast to make to a few specific people whom of which I haven’t in this moment, met yet and have known my whole life, which; again; leads to the life being contradictory statement I made previously.

            The first raise of glass goes to the underdog. The one who gets picked on because of his messy hair every morning. Or the girl who doesn’t dress to the norms set by her high school, but chooses to wear what she wears anyways. The gay kid suffering from depression because of fear of rejection, or already being rejected. The girl suffering from an eating disorder so that she may one day make friends and be considered physically attractive. Some of these guys don’t make it, and deserve to be acknowledged. To those that do make it through the bulimia, rejection, and hard times, they come out on top. They are the underdogs who go unnoticed for a while, except for this paragraph, where they get a raise of glasses and a big ‘cheers’ for making it, and or trying too.

        The next cheers goes to the guy in the back of the room who sits quiet, because he is either too afraid to speak his mind due to rejection, or has trouble communicating “correctly.” Little does he/she know, that there are people like me out there who give them a silent cheers because they are brave enough to sit quiet in a room full of mindless chatter.

    The next, is to those people who at one point in our lives, were the reasons we cried a little, or maybe considered if it would be really worth it to serve jail time over their murder. Maybe it was the girl who made you feel bad for having messy hair, or the guy who made you feel bad about your weight. Maybe it was the bad customer at your job who treated you so poorly it shattered your mood. Whoever it may have been, and whatever the reasoning, they get a cheers for making us learn what we absolutely do not want to be like. Setting that example of who not to be in our minds, and making us stop to think in a time where otherwise, we wouldn’t have. To those who made us all in a shape or another become the underdog, this is for you.

      This cheers, is to the bad days. The days where we sit and cry for no reason and then maybe laugh a little later at our tears to try and shake the bad feelings away. To the days where we wonder why we continue to get out of bed, and try every morning to end up in the same place every night. To the memories of sadness, despair, and anger, for teaching us why it’s good to be happy, and why sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.

            This, is a Cheers to the Future. To the bad days, and good times. To the people who teach us why we like to be alive, and the people who make us question the sanity and hope of future generations. To overcoming the obstacles ahead, whether big or small. To the memories that sprint through our heads at night making us cringe with regret, and that one day that made us feel ecstatic with joy and hope. Part of growing up isn’t learning that life sucks and isn’t fair, although it plays a small role; a big part of growing up is learning how to juggle all of the contradictions, and confusion at once. It’s making the choice to wallow in the rain of emotions or dancing in the puddle of aftermath. Neither is right or wrong, it is simply the choice that is given to you. So, here’s a cheers also to the freedom of choice, and what doors may open after.

         My very last toast goes to not only the fog of being pleasantly lost in the worry of future, and being frozen in the mindless chill of the past, but to the bubbly white and gray clouds of the present. These are the times that allow us our newly opened doors, and cleared pathways. To not only learn how to weave through the fog of the unknown, and rise through the chilling thoughts of past regrets, but to shine in the clouds and rain of the present.  Living in the moments that have contoured and shaped to form our very own. This, is to sticking through until the down pour slows to a drizzle and the fog clears away. Revealing a beautiful cast of sun rays gleaming down on what once was.

       This, is a cheers to you, and becoming your own umbrella.

Introduction

My very first post, to a blog. I am going to use this "First Post" as sort of the fine print to the rest of what you will be reading, if you continue to follow my blog. As the title may explain, this is the confessions of an honest woman, who is just as lost and distraught as you are. My purpose, though, is to make sure you know that you're not alone. This IS NOT going to be a "normal" or "clichéd" blog that you may have come across. MY blog, is going to be controversial, witty, honest, blunt, sprinkled with a bit of feels to top it off. If I'm running this right, you will feel mad one paragraph, and completely at ease the next. Most of what I write, will be geared towards things I think on more than a daily basis, and will be just as sporadic. This blog, is a look inside of not only my deepest thoughts, and most controversial opinions, but at the maze it all lies. If you choose to read my blog, you must choose to have an open mind, and maybe; just maybe; we'll find our way out together.