All Your Beautiful Scars

All the Beautiful Mistakes

Mattie Best

The backspace button is “the best thing to happen since sliced bread.” Quickly erase that one grammar error, and incorrect comma within a matter of seconds. Mistakes are almost obsolete: except for when you transfer back to reality.

 

            Here’s my problem, and here’s how you’re going to use this to fix yours. I live in a world where it’s constant mistake after mistake. I am a chain link fence, with my mistakes acting as the links all playing twister within each other and making me one hell of a walking mess. Some of my mistakes seem small to other people, but impact me in ways I can’t explain. We all have those small mistakes that shouldn’t affect us whatsoever, but do and it really is starting to get obnoxious, because it puts me in a funk and I get all weird. We all do, in our own ways. That’s the best part of being human, is that there are others who go through something similar and can relate.

            Regrets are something that, unfortunately, are inevitable, but for some reason so frowned upon. Sometimes we do things that seem worse than a silly mistake. Sometimes our regrets become another deep scar in our memories. Sometimes we do things that are so stupid, so pointless and immediately we beat ourselves up over and over again, cutting deep into that already piercing scar.

           Here’s the thing, when you see a veteran who maybe has no arm or a scarred face, do you judge him/her and get angry at him/her for having those scars? Of course not, you become of course sad, but proud and beam for the bravery of this soldier. You may not have fought in an actual war, but every day you take a breather, and you face yourself and what you’ve done, whether it seem big or small, is a battle in itself. You may not be getting shot at in a war across nations, but every mistake turns into a bullet piercing your very being. Mistakes eventually turn into regrets which become faded scars. Let’s take, for example, a few everyday scenario’s we’ve all faced. Late to work, traffic is horrible, and there is always that one guy who is standing on the side of the road with their “GOD BLESS” sign, asking for spare change to feed either their starving kids, dog, or alcohol addiction. We all have come to a point where we just look away. We avoid the eye contact, and the darts his eyes are shooting at us. We have all had the point where we’ve thought, “It’s his fault. My money wouldn’t be good for anything but a new bottle of Jack Daniels.” However, remember how whatever mistake it is that’s keeping you up the most in your warm bed haunts you? How do we know that his addiction or whatever it was that caused him to be without a home, begging on the side of the Intersection is haunting him too? Or what about that time we’ve felt a little down on ourselves and looked at that obese woman on the subway, and scoffed a little to ourselves as her obesity made us remind ourselves “It could be worse. I could look like that.” Who’s to say that the woman with severe obesity hasn’t already lost thirty pounds? Or is going through one of her hardest obstacles in her own war, and how she heals is by a Big Mac and a large Diet Coke? Who’s to say the man you avoided giving change to, because you refused to acknowledge his situation as not significant and not your problem, is taking his first step to recovery by getting out of the crack house he was just living in? When did it become our right to be the appointer of severity to other’s problems?

            One of the big things I hear when friends try and console other friends, is “Well at least you..” and then they continue to explain why the friend that needs consolations problems are inadequate to the other’s. If you want to stop living in your mistakes, and letting yourself become your mistakes, you must first acknowledge the importance of other people’s mistakes, and the level of importance of those mistakes to those people. You must realize that although it may make you feel better at the time, telling yourself “It could be worse” and that you’re “Happy you don’t look like that” is just about as affective as trying to clean all of the stains out of your carpet with Wine. Take not to how we don’t judge a war veteran based on the number of limbs he has remaining, and how we don’t think to ask how he got that way? Apply that to that obese woman on the subway, and think about if all the things she’s heard about her weight, weigh the looks, and the laughs, and apply those to her eating habits, it becomes one big cluster of scars. Just because you cannot see somebody’s scars, does not mean you need to forget the fact that they are there. In the beginning, I told you that one of the best things about humans is that they can relate to a certain aspect. That’s still true with the obese woman and homeless man. Just because they may have never done one of the things that makes you cringe, does not mean they have not done things that make them cringe. Until you can accept the fact that your problems are not at the top of the totem pole, you will be stuck in a trench of depression, false ego, and your mistakes. It is okay to not be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day and do stupid things. However, it is NEVER okay to think that your bad day is worse than somebody else’ because of whatever reason. It is NEVER okay to put somebody else’s problems below yours because you feel that your problems are more important. We never laugh at toddlers when they come crying to us with their new scrape, because they are little and they are learning. Why lose that standard for grown adults? Just because they are not completely small and helpless does not mean that they are incapable of learning. All we do, no matter who it is, is learn and grow. So stop belittling others growth and scrapes and scars because it seems small compared to your scrape and scars.

  Every day there is a battle of insecurities, mistakes, haunting past, and just life in general and every day YOU are there to fight it. When you go to bed, and everything is buzzing around you and your brain is spinning at 100000x a second, you’ve made it. You’ve survived your very own war, and every day with every mistake you’ll do it again.

It may not seem okay now, and it may be hard to see it in this point of view now, but as long as you’re willing to keep going, keep fighting, than one day you will come out on top. I’m not saying that these wars will stop, and I’m not saying it may be easier, because I know sometimes it isn’t; but with every dusk there is a dawn. With every nightfall, there is a sunrise.

This applies to everyone. To whoever reads this, if anyone reads this, this is for you. This is permission for you to let go.

You, whether you be a man or woman, are a soldier fighting daily in your own battles that may seem small to someone else who, also is fighting their own battles. You have made it this far, and that’s a hell of a lot better than what you think.

You are not what you’ve done. You are what you’ve become as a result of what you’ve done, and for that, I congratulate you.  I congratulate you on making your mistakes so that you learn from them, even if you’ve had to make them more than once. I congratulate you on battling a war every day of your life, and winning. I congratulate you on becoming scarred and bruised but still beating on, to your own drum.

You are not your past, so why continue to reflect on it?
Do not forget that you are a soldier fighting your battles every day, but so is that grumpy old neighbor, or co-worker who seems to have a never ending plethora of problems. A battle is a battle, and scars are still scars. All your beautiful scars.

                                                   To the Living Bulldozer

          “You win some you lose some.” Is one of the most FRUSTURATING clichés out there because there are so many hidden aspects that go unnoticed or even slightly brought up. What whoever it is who mentioned to you that “you win some you lose some” failed to state, is that while you win some, losing them is the hardest heart break you’ll ever have to encounter, and gaining something requires work, skill, and sometimes even failure. While those are things that fail to go unnoticed, in tonight’s case; the main “forgotten” point of winning something is friendship.

Let us travel back to kindergarten when we first meet that kid who shares a bite of their fruit snacks with us, or offers their favorite toy to play together. Second grade is when that same kid and maybe a few more starts to play tag, and jump rope with us, and shows us what a new form of fun is. Third and fourth grade is when things really start to heat up, and we notice our first real fight with one of our friends, and we find new ones, or we get over our differences and begin again.

It isn’t until fifth and sixth grade that I feel is when we start to experience the Human Wrecking Ball. When someone we have never got along with calls us ugly or stupid and we begin to not feel fun anymore, rather than insecure and angry. This human wrecking ball could very well have been at one point, our very best friend and is now friends with some other kids, causing destruction to our tiny, innocent brains. These living bulldozers are called bulldozers and wrecking balls for the simple fact that they come into our lives at one point or another, and cause a mass destruction into what was. Our walls of happiness and innocence come crumbling down in one hit, and after being built carefully back up topple over in another instant.

We have all experienced the human bulldozer and walking wrecking ball. Whether it have been a close childhood friend turned seemingly heartless, or a trusted adult ruining our ripe innocence, we know exactly who and what these people are, and some of us never quite recover from the aftermath. However, tonight is for me to tell my two very specific human bulldozer and walking wrecking ball examples Thank You.

Thank you for unknowingly setting an example of what I never want to be while I walk the earth. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be you, so I can avoid being someone like you at all costs. Thank you for causing me to grow up and mature in ways I never would’ve been able to do without your round, concrete words that form into both the wrecking ball and bulldozer. Thank you, for reminding me that life sometimes comes falling down and how to cope with the fact that it isn’t always easy to build yourself up again.

In the story Humpty Dumpty, it talks about how all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men tried to put Humpty together again, but failed and Humpty just gave up. However, somebody somewhere should’ve taught Humpty that sometimes it’s crucial for him to learn how to pick himself back up and brush off the dust.

Thank you Walking Wrecking Ball, for beautifully and chaotically tearing me apart so that I myself can learn to pick myself up again.

The Underdog

                                                                         

        When I was six, and I was asked what it meant to be popular, I would say to be surrounded by friends who adore you, and go to all these parties, and be cool. Now that I’m eighteen, and I hear the word popular, I think of nothing but a broken piece of imagination. To this day, I DESPISE the word “Popular” and I could rant and rave about how the word itself doesn’t exist, but that’s for another day. Today, is the day of the Underdog. The hidden hero, who goes unnoticed by any “normal” person but myself.

            The Underdog is someone we’ve all come to know in our lives, whether it be someone we knew in sixth grade, or someone we’ve worked with for six years, there is always the Underdog. Someone who is a stand-out, or chooses to be different. The boy with his hair dyed a crazy color, or the girl who wears a black cape. These are just two of millions of people who can be considered the “Underdog.” I consider them Underdogs because to me, they come out on top. Even when it seems like they are nothing, they say nothing, they feel nothing, and they are the ones who rise up to become successful in their own ways. There are many successful celebrities to look up to when the term “Underdog” comes up, however you’re not a celebrity, and quite frankly, neither am I. We are people who seem to be in the movie Dazed and Confused, because that’s all we are.

            My message to you, the Underdog, is that by choosing to dye your hair rainbow colors, and sporting that black cape, or by choosing to stay late at work rather than go to that office party you weren’t invited to in the first place, you’re taking a stand. You’re standing up and standing out as your own. You, without even realizing it, are becoming your own. You’re working hard to be different, and to be seen in a way that those who laugh and mock you, have never experienced before which makes them uncomfortable. Do not ever feel ashamed of standing out. Do not ever feel ashamed for choosing your own colors in a black and white infested T.V. sitcom, where nothing is real except for you.

            My message to you, the Underdog, is do not fear the fear you feel when you stand up for yourself, by merely standing alone. By becoming your own friend, and worst enemy. By “wasting” your time staying up all night playing video games rather than staying up all night partying with “friends.” Do not ever feel the need to blend in, because that is the biggest waste of time any person could ever possibly make. Those who have seemed to “Blend in” are blending into nothing but a blank wall. A castle of fake emotions, and elements of what people consider “happiness” and “friendship.” Those who choose to blend in with those around them, and fit in, are simply trying to fit into a dollhouse. Do not hide behind plastic emotions, rather than embracing your confusion, your anger, and your envy. You, the Underdog, are the Underdog because you were made to come out on top. No human being on this planet has ever risen to the top by blending in to what they’ve been told was right.

           

 

       My reminder to you, the Underdog, is that it’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to be angry at yourself and those around you, it’s okay to feel alone. But most importantly, you need to know that although now seems hopeless, you are not lost. You are not a piece of trash to be thrown out to make others’ life better because you are you, and you’re most important role, is to be the best damn you that anybody else has ever seen. Keep trying and failing. Keep standing out and take the empty criticism. Embrace the flaw of the word flaw itself, and learn what it feels like to be the you that you want to be. Learn what if feels like to actually feel. To breathe the air that you have the freedom to breathe. To live life as the best damn you that the world has ever seen.

Cheers to the Future

     Growing up is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I’ve been told to grow up, and live young since I can remember. To be afraid of what’s to come, and live in the moment. Be happy with yourself, but not too happy- it makes those struggling uneasy. Feel confident in the skin you’re in, but hide behind eating disorders and scars so that others don’t feel so alone. All of these are the exact definition of contradictory, and slowly on my seemingly endless path to adulthood, I’m learning this exact thing; which is life itself is contradictory and we can either learn to accept it one of two ways. 1. We wallow in the rain of anger, despair, and unforgiving unfairness of life or 2. Put on some boots, and learn to dance in the puddles.

            That being said, I have a toast to make to a few specific people whom of which I haven’t in this moment, met yet and have known my whole life, which; again; leads to the life being contradictory statement I made previously.

            The first raise of glass goes to the underdog. The one who gets picked on because of his messy hair every morning. Or the girl who doesn’t dress to the norms set by her high school, but chooses to wear what she wears anyways. The gay kid suffering from depression because of fear of rejection, or already being rejected. The girl suffering from an eating disorder so that she may one day make friends and be considered physically attractive. Some of these guys don’t make it, and deserve to be acknowledged. To those that do make it through the bulimia, rejection, and hard times, they come out on top. They are the underdogs who go unnoticed for a while, except for this paragraph, where they get a raise of glasses and a big ‘cheers’ for making it, and or trying too.

        The next cheers goes to the guy in the back of the room who sits quiet, because he is either too afraid to speak his mind due to rejection, or has trouble communicating “correctly.” Little does he/she know, that there are people like me out there who give them a silent cheers because they are brave enough to sit quiet in a room full of mindless chatter.

    The next, is to those people who at one point in our lives, were the reasons we cried a little, or maybe considered if it would be really worth it to serve jail time over their murder. Maybe it was the girl who made you feel bad for having messy hair, or the guy who made you feel bad about your weight. Maybe it was the bad customer at your job who treated you so poorly it shattered your mood. Whoever it may have been, and whatever the reasoning, they get a cheers for making us learn what we absolutely do not want to be like. Setting that example of who not to be in our minds, and making us stop to think in a time where otherwise, we wouldn’t have. To those who made us all in a shape or another become the underdog, this is for you.

      This cheers, is to the bad days. The days where we sit and cry for no reason and then maybe laugh a little later at our tears to try and shake the bad feelings away. To the days where we wonder why we continue to get out of bed, and try every morning to end up in the same place every night. To the memories of sadness, despair, and anger, for teaching us why it’s good to be happy, and why sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.

            This, is a Cheers to the Future. To the bad days, and good times. To the people who teach us why we like to be alive, and the people who make us question the sanity and hope of future generations. To overcoming the obstacles ahead, whether big or small. To the memories that sprint through our heads at night making us cringe with regret, and that one day that made us feel ecstatic with joy and hope. Part of growing up isn’t learning that life sucks and isn’t fair, although it plays a small role; a big part of growing up is learning how to juggle all of the contradictions, and confusion at once. It’s making the choice to wallow in the rain of emotions or dancing in the puddle of aftermath. Neither is right or wrong, it is simply the choice that is given to you. So, here’s a cheers also to the freedom of choice, and what doors may open after.

         My very last toast goes to not only the fog of being pleasantly lost in the worry of future, and being frozen in the mindless chill of the past, but to the bubbly white and gray clouds of the present. These are the times that allow us our newly opened doors, and cleared pathways. To not only learn how to weave through the fog of the unknown, and rise through the chilling thoughts of past regrets, but to shine in the clouds and rain of the present.  Living in the moments that have contoured and shaped to form our very own. This, is to sticking through until the down pour slows to a drizzle and the fog clears away. Revealing a beautiful cast of sun rays gleaming down on what once was.

       This, is a cheers to you, and becoming your own umbrella.

Introduction

My very first post, to a blog. I am going to use this "First Post" as sort of the fine print to the rest of what you will be reading, if you continue to follow my blog. As the title may explain, this is the confessions of an honest woman, who is just as lost and distraught as you are. My purpose, though, is to make sure you know that you're not alone. This IS NOT going to be a "normal" or "clichéd" blog that you may have come across. MY blog, is going to be controversial, witty, honest, blunt, sprinkled with a bit of feels to top it off. If I'm running this right, you will feel mad one paragraph, and completely at ease the next. Most of what I write, will be geared towards things I think on more than a daily basis, and will be just as sporadic. This blog, is a look inside of not only my deepest thoughts, and most controversial opinions, but at the maze it all lies. If you choose to read my blog, you must choose to have an open mind, and maybe; just maybe; we'll find our way out together.